I am learning the I have to assert myself to get what I need to maintain a degree of sanity. My husband, John, has absolutely no problem spending hours of his time, for days or weeks on end, on his various projects, to the exclusion of nearly everything else. He feels no guilt (good for him!). He feels no sense of obligation to assure that there is a meal prepared at the end of the day. He feels only the need to continue work on whichever project is currently on his mind. Right now, this project is to install a totally unnecessary bathroom in our basement. Let me say first, that it is utterly amazing that he has the capability and skill to pull this off -- most people don't. But this bathroom, which has taken already several weeks of his time, many hours each day (and a couple thousand dollars -- but who's counting?) is entirely his idea. He'd like someplace to shower off after working on his outdoor projects. So that's fine, but let's not mistake this for a project for the family. When he first broached the subject of the totally unnecessary bathroom, I declined to show support. I suggested that his time would be better spent finishing the boat that has languished in our garage for one month shy of a year, making it impossible to use for a car and nearly impossible to walk through it without injury. I also suggested that his help with the housework, cooking, childcare, etc. would be so much more appreciated. He disagreed (of course) and plowed right in, full-throttle.
I called him on the way home from work the other day on what had been for me a very difficult, long day. I was going to be picking up our daughter from daycare. Then, I made the age-old mistake of asking what he had planned for dinner. I know! It sounds so 1950s insensitive husband! It was five thirty. He paused. "I haven't thought anything about dinner," he said defensively. As if dinner is truly secondary to the important work that still needed to be done on the totally unnecessary bathroom in the basement. "I'm really not hungry," he said, "and the kids will eat anything I throw in front of them." He then proceeded to lecture me on the fact that he has absolutely no intention of spending two hours preparing dinner for just me. Ready to explode, I asked him to call in a takeout order, which I would pick up -- after picking up our daughter, so as to save him the trip. I resolved to spend Sundays preparing meals for the week.
They say that most arguments in marriage when people have kids are about division of labor, and I truly appreciate that. Recently, I've insisted on meeting a friend at least every other week. This after having had no social life to speak of since having children. I've also been insisting on leaving the house at least once on most weekends without the children and going to a coffee shop to write or just running errands on my own. This doesn't solve the housework problem, but at least I have some time to myself. To John's credit, he doesn't argue -- he knows.
I know we both love our children, but miss the freedom we used to have. It's hard to remember, even, what that felt like. It was lost on me, at the time, not knowing how hard raising a family would be. But it's difficult to be partners with each other when it feels like we're forever negotiating (fighting) for time and for the other to help. I have no idea how to mend this divide between us. I'm sure that we both feel that the other is getting the better end of things, but I know that neither one of us is, really.
The bathroom looks really nice, though.
